What are the most common causes?
"I woke up one morning and realised there was nobody there – that I no longer existed. I'd always been a mother and now that role was over, I was completely empty."
Loneliness is not one single, simple thing. There are both different degrees and causes. It's possible to talk about three different kinds of loneliness: circumstantial, developmental and internal.
You may have chosen to change your circumstances. Moving to a new area or starting a family, for example, can be exciting and positive. Yet, people often find that to begin all over again in a new environment can be very painful. Divorce, bereavement, retirement and unemployment are common causes of loneliness. If the partner or the job that boosted your self-esteem and made life meaningful suddenly disappears, everything can feel hopeless and futile.
Single parents
The house-bound mother with her first baby can feel acutely isolated, but single parents are particularly vulnerable. Many people say that when a relationship ends, they seem to lose friends as well as their partner, while the stress of bringing up children single-handedly can make it difficult for a social life.
Older people
It's a similar picture for older people. Retirement, the death of a spouse or close friends and a move to a new home may come all at once, and feel overwhelmingly bleak. In retirement, many older people have no close family to turn to for companionship and may be wary of going out alone. Additionally, any illness or disability that occurs may make older people feel like prisoners in their own homes.
Lone carers
The people who care for older or disabled family members may also become very lonely. Exhaustion easily sets in, and social life and friends can gradually fade away, as carers may not have much time for themselves.
Mental distress
To be labelled as mentally ill can be distressing and potentially very isolating, not least because public opinion can be so hostile towards anyone with mental health difficulties. Someone with a diagnosis of schizophrenia, for example, will have to cope with very distressing symptoms, but will also be up against a widespread misconception that people with this diagnosis are violent.
The very nature of some mental health problems reinforces this isolation. Someone with agoraphobia may be stuck at home and cut off from the normal social outlets. Feelings of panic at the thought of being sociable and meeting new people are much more common than people think.
A survey of mental health problems in the USA found that social phobia was the third most common problem, after depression and alcohol dependence. People who are anxious, depressed, or trapped in addictive behaviour, may have low self-esteem and feel guilty and worthless. This can lead them to shun company and cut themselves off from their families and friends.
Physical disabilityPeople with a physical disability are similarly disadvantaged and stigmatised. Mobility is often a problem and many disabled people find themselves excluded from access to a large number of social activities. People who are HIV positive or who have AIDS are also likely to encounter prejudice.
Discrimination
Being treated as 'different' by others often makes people feel even lonelier. Being discriminated against, or subjected to racist attacks, causes black and minority ethnic people to feel alienated and isolated.
A person's sexual identity can also cause loneliness. 'Coming out' as lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) is still very stressful, as is reflected in the suicide rate among LGB people. Some adult survivors of sexual abuse may find any kind of intimacy with others impossible.
Why does it seem worse at certain times of life?
From birth onwards, we are constantly learning to balance our need for intimacy with our need for separateness. We reach certain stages in life which often accentuate these needs and make us feel vulnerable to feelings of insecurity and loneliness.
Adolescence, young adulthood, the 'thirty-something' stage, mid-life crisis, menopause and old age are often connected to outer as well as inner changes. It's important to remember that these are phases that will pass, and although change can feel painful, it can also bring with it new awareness and possibilities.
Why do some people feel this way, all the time?
During depression, the world disappears. Language itself. One has nothing to say. Nothing. No small talk, no anecdotes. One's real state of mind is a source of shame. So one is necessarily silent about it, leaving nothing else for subject matter.”Kate Millett, The Loony Bin Trip
For some people, feelings of loneliness are more constant and appear unrelated to external events or time of life. It is impossible to generalise about why someone might feel constantly lonely. Sometimes, a person feels unable to like themselves or to be liked by others. They may have little self-esteem and lack self-confidence. The roots of profound loneliness may come from having been unloved as a child, so that, as an adult, they continue to feel abandoned and unlovable in all relationships, including the relationship with themselves. Sometimes, people cut themselves off, consciously or unconsciously, because they are afraid of being hurt.
Those who are vulnerable to a constant inner loneliness may try to avoid being on their own, and will seek out other people to avoid having to face their own company. Others may react in the opposite way, hiding away on their own and perhaps drowning empty feelings with drink, so that they don't have to face a world of people they feel unconnected to. If you feel that this describes your situation, it's important to remember that many others feel the same way, and that there are understanding people to talk to, who can help you overcome these feelings.
If the feelings of loneliness are so overwhelming that you have suicidal thoughts, remember that you can pick up the phone at any time of night or day and talk to Samaritans.
How can I overcome it?
It's possible to overcome loneliness, if you are really determined to do so. To help yourself, you will need to give a lot of time and energy to thinking about the reasons for your feelings and what positive steps you can take.
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